laus – Page 16 – MiniMarr

Butterfly

A friend shared this poem with me today and I thought it was so fitting. Both because of how brief Brienna’s life was, but moreso because her life had such a profound impact on so many people …

A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam,
And for a brief moment, its glory and beauty belong to our world.
But then it flies again and though we wish it could have stayed,
We feel lucky to have seen it.
-Unknown

I am beyond lucky to have known Brienna. I am lucky to have carried her with me for nine months and I am so lucky to be her mother. It boggles my mind to think she would be 14 months old today. I wonder what she’d look like, how she’d act. I wish I could catch a little glimpse of her in Heaven, just so I could know … I miss her so much, but I love her more. And despite the fact that she can’t be here, noone can take that away from me …

The Best of Friends

I am pretty sure I have the best friends in the world. Over the last eighteen months, they have supported me, loved me and kept me sane. When I need a shoulder to cry on, they’re there. When I need to vent, they’re there. And when I run races in Brienna’s memory, they either run with me or come and cheer me on. This past weekend, some of my friends raced in Brienna’s memory on their own. Jamie and Pete biked over 150 miles in the MS Challenge in Brienna’s memory. They had asked me two months ago if it would be ok … I immediately started crying because it was more than ok … it was beyond touching and made me so happy.

BMM

Andrea ran a half marathon yesterday in Brienna’s memory … she had wanted to run with us in March, but got injured and wasn’t able to. She was there to cheer us on, but because she had promised Brienna she would run, she made sure she did.

BMM My friends and I don’t get to watch Brienna grow up. I can’t send them pictures of the cute thing she just did, they can’t call or come over to see how big she’s getting and how adorable she is … so for them to remember her, love her and honor her memory like they do means the world to me. I am so proud of Brienna for inspiring people and so proud of my friends for taking the time to do amazing things in her memory.

A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same.
– Elbert Hubbard.

Happy Birthday Sweet Angel …

There are no words for today … that it has been a year since we last held our sweet Brienna Marie breaks my heart and fills me with such a longing to see her again. I would give anything to turn back the clock one year. If only that were possible …

BMM

Brienna Marie,

We love you and miss you more than words can describe. Not a day goes by that we don’t long for you and wish that we could all be together. Thank you for so profoundly changing our lives. We are better people because of you and are honored to be your parents. Happy 1st Birthday, sweet angel.

Love,
Mom and Dad

“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal” -Irish Headstone

Flood-A-Palooza

To say we are overwhelmed is an understatement …

THANK YOU so much to our families and friends for such an incredible night on Friday!! I’m still having a hard time wrapping my head around the whole thing … we are just amazed, not only by the number of people that came out to support us, but by how generous you all are.

To be honest, I don’t feel like we deserve any of it. I know that we haven’t been the most communicative or outgoing people in the last eleven months, and I am just totally blown away by everyone’s seemingly unlimited capacity to give. Even now, days later, I stop and tears fill my eyes because I cannot believe how good people are.

I have no idea how we can adequately thank all of you. Quite simply, you saved us. We will be able to totally refurnish our house and maybe even tuck some money away for a rainy day. How we can ever convey how grateful we are for that?

None of this would have been possible without Kristen and we want to thank her for all of her hard work. I have no idea how she pulled it off, or how she rallied the troops like she did, but we are eternally grateful. We have the best sister and sister-in-law we could ever ask for. She’s the most selfless, loyal and giving person I know, and I wish we could somehow repay her for everything she’s done. We know how lucky we are to have her in our lives and we are so appreciative of her support and love.

At one point during the night, I mentioned to my aunts how sad I was that Brienna wasn’t there with us. It’s been eleven months and I still long for her and miss her more than I can ever describe … As I was talking (and crying – I did a lot of that), I realized something: of course she was there with us. Our entire lives are shaped by her presence and I know in my heart that she too felt all that love. I’m quite sure she was smiling watching us all! It is easier for us to accept all this goodwill if we think of it as being for her … I’m not sure if that makes sense, but I know how much everyone aches for us that Brienna is in Heaven and not here with us. And I know how helpless everyone felt when she died, so as much as this was for Pat and I, it was for her too. She is the most special little girl and every day I thank God for allowing me to be her mother … she has taught and continues to teach me more than I ever could have dreamed.

There is so much more to say, but I don’t know how to say it. So thank you again, for everything. We are beyond blessed and I hope we can somehow, someday appropriately express our gratitude and appreciation!

Love,
Patrick and Laurie

The Weight of Water

As most of you know, Pat and I were displaced by the severe rain and subsequent flooding in RI two weeks ago. Our house was essentially destroyed (the entire basement was flooded and there was over two feet of water on the first floor) but we escaped unscathed and were able to save all of Brienna’s belongings, so we truly feel lucky. It could have been much worse.

flood

We are totally overwhelmed at the outpouring of support we’ve received. I am reminded yet again of the power of family and friends and am so thankful to everyone for their generosity! I truly can’t thank you all enough for your kindness …

On that note, I want to thank Kristen and my friends for ‘running to remember’ Brienna in the New Bedford Half Marathon a few weeks ago. Kristen, Jamie, Jenn and I ran while Andrea, Beth, Jodie (and Sadie!) and Kassi were there to cheer us on! The girls came complete with a sign and when I saw them as I approached the finish line, it took everything I had not to start crying. There certainly was ‘love from above’ and I’m so thankful to everyone for being there to support us!

love from above

While our house is being rebuilt, we’re renting a Bailey-friendly house in Warwick – Pat calls it Bailey’s country house! The house is furnished, and FEMA is helping us with rent, so again, we’re very lucky. We are so thankful for everyone for offering to help us. We truly wouldn’t be able to survive any of this without your love and support. We’re so blessed to have the friends and families that we do and I hope that we can someday repay the kindnesses we’ve received!

Before Her Time

My cousin Ann passed away on Saturday after a long, courageous battle against scleroderma. She had an especially aggressive form of the disease, and for three years, fought with everything she had. With the help of her sisters and life partner Andrea, she worked tirelessly to beat this disease. And did so with a smile on her face, never letting the disease get her down. Despite the pain she was in, she didn’t miss a beat. She came to my shower, our wedding, Brienna’s funeral. She refused to let this disease get the best of her.

My parents, sister and I were with Ann on Saturday. Per usual, she had a smile on her face and made us laugh as we reminisced about the good ol’ days – Ann and her sisters (Lynne and Katie) were so good to us growing up. They were a little older than us, and we followed them around like puppies. At every family get together, they’d play hide ‘n’ seek and anything else we wanted and we loved every minute of it. Some of my fondest childhood memories are of being at their parents house dancing, singing and just playing for hours on end.

Before we left on Saturday, Ann said something that amazed me and has stuck with me. She said “I’m so blessed”. Despite her long battle against a nasty disease, despite her being called far too soon, despite the pain she must have been in, she still felt blessed. That was Ann.

Ann died surrounded by the people that loved her most. As Lynne said, the gates to Heaven are wide open for Ann. And I know one little girl that will be there to greet her. I told Brienna that Ann would be coming, and Ann has strict instructions to give Brienna a hug. It comforts me to know that they are together …

My heart aches for Andrea, Katie and Lynne. They lost their partner, sister and best friend. But Ann left her mark on all of us. Her courage, dignity and grace remain an inspiration. She will be so missed.

Names in the Sand

The community of parents who have lost children is frighteningly large … as we’ve struggled through this journey, people (often strangers) have showed us kindnesses I could never have imagined. Carly lives in Australia and as a tribute to her son Christian, writes the names of children who’ve died in the sand. She receives thousands of requests and therefore has to limit the number of names she writes each month. Last month, I was fortunate enough to catch the sign up. I think the result is pretty amazing:

Brienna

You can read Brienna’s post here. I thought it fitting to share today, because today marks forty weeks and five days since Brienna was born. The exact length of time that she was here with us. The day has been weighing heavily on us. Going forward, the time without Brienna will be greater than the time we had with her. That makes me so sad. The yearning for her to be with us hasn’t lessened; I doubt it ever will.

But seeing her name in the sand with the sun setting above it fills me with a sense of peace. It reminds me of Brienna’s innocence and her simple beauty. Of all the things she’s taught us and continues to teach us. And so despite our sadness, we smile.

An angel for the book of life wrote down our baby’s birth, and whispered as she closed the book, “Too beautiful for Earth.” –Anonymous

Running to Remember (Part II)

Nine months. Such a defining amount of time as it relates to a baby … it’s baffling to think that nine months have passed. We find ourselves wondering about what could have been … what Brienna would look like, how she’d be changing. Some days, it’s a struggle to remain positive. We miss her so much. But we’re also trying to live life in a way that would make her proud.

On Sunday, Pat and I ran a road race in memory of Brienna. Pat ran his first 10K and I ran my first marathon – Pat is my hero and actually ran the last three miles of the marathon with me too! Our families were there to cheer us on (and Bailey-sit) and we’re so grateful to them for battling the cold and being there to support us! It was an emotional day. There is so little we can do for Brienna, so running in her memory is incredibly powerful. I am so proud of us and thankful to Brienna for being our inspiration.

A Peek Into Heaven

Kristen shared this poem with us and I thought it so fitting, as it perfectly describes how we feel on a daily basis.

A Peek Into Heaven

Just one little peek into heaven,
Is all I’m asking for today.
I just want to know how she’s doing,
And heaven seems so far away.

Is she playing on the clouds with angels?
Is she laughing and running today?
Does she miss me?
I guess only she knows.
Oh why does heaven seem so far away?

If you just let me look for a moment,
To catch a glimpse of her sweet smiling face,
I promise I won’t try to take her,
I know, she’s in a better place.

Just one little peek into heaven,
Is all I’m asking for today.
I just want to know how she’s doing,
And heaven seems so far away…
-Callie Sanders Thornton

Brienna Marie – we know Heaven is a better place, but wish with all our hearts that you were here. We love you, we miss you and we long for you …

Love always,
Mom and Dad

A Star is Born

Pat and I received a gift this week and were so touched by the gesture, we wanted to share it with all of you.

My friend Jenn had a star named after Brienna. We received a framed certificate from the International Star Registry with the newest star in the Ursa Major constellation: Brienna Marie Marr. We have the coordinates, a map of where it is and instructions for how best to locate our shining star.

We were totally surprised, are beyond grateful and so touched. The message on the gift read, “whenever you are feeling down, look up at your shining star”. I will indeed … and as we embark on 2010, I will ask you to do the same. I know Brienna is there, watching over all of us.

And as Pat pointed out, I have very good friends … so thank you Jenn. We appreciate it more than you will ever know.